There are a number of decisions to be made in a short space of time and this can be extremely draining and traumatic, particularly if the death was sudden or unexpected. In some cases the funeral planning arrangements can act as a focus for the family, to help get through the first days following bereavement, but it is likely that support from the wider family will be very helpful in the funeral organisation, particularly any gathering for friends and family after the ceremony.
Below we have outlined some of the key decisions that need to be borne in mind when arranging a funeral. We hope these notes are of help to you.
Visiting the Body
You may wish for the friends and relatives to have the opportunity to visit the body of the person who has died to say their last goodbyes. It is usually at the chapel of rest of the funeral director, but can be at home.
Holding a Vigil
The ritual of holding a vigil for the recently departed is as ancient as mankind, but often overlooked in our daily rush to keep life ticking along as normal. A vigil could be held at your local church or place of worship or at home, for a few hours or a few days, immediately after death or just before the funeral ceremony.
The Range of Coffins
The choice of coffin reflects the personality of the person who has died, the type of funeral you are planning, the look of it and the price. You will also need to ensure that the crematorium or burial site will accept the coffin.
Deciding between Burial and Cremation
If the person who dies did not leave express wishes, choosing between burial and cremation might be the most difficult funeral decision you have to make. You may prefer the symbol of the body being returned to the earth or of the symbol of a body going to the fire.
Considering the aims of the Funeral Service
There are four important aims to bear in mind and the circumstances of the death will dictate how much emphasis you place on each: 1) To give the bereaved comfort and an opportunity to reflect on and share their loss 2) To acknowledge the life of the person in the world and to give thanks for that life. 3) To acknowledge the loss and ask for the safe transition of the spirit or the soul into whatever is believed to lie beyond. 4) To give the bereaved the hope and inspiration to resume their lives.
When The Family Does Not Agree
If the person who has died has expressed some wishes, try to keep as close to these as possible, even if it means considering adaptation and compromise. When views are very polarised try to minimise the hurt by considering who is going to suffer more in the long term. Another course of action is to find a mediator to help arrange the funeral.
Flowers, Candles and Music
If flowers are important for you, try to find a florist who is sympathetic and happy to listen rather than one who just encourages you to choose flowers from a catalogue. Within your budget think about a favourite season, fond memories and places visited. The person who has died may have favourite flowers, scent and colour preferences and you might want to include flowers from the person’s garden. Placing and lighting candles can help create an effective ceremony. The lighting and extinguishing of a flame being a direct metaphor for life and death. During the funeral, the candles can be extinguished one by one symbolising the passing of the many aspects of the deceased. Then, before the last is extinguished, a new different candle can be lit to represent the stage of transition. Do not feel bound by traditional or popular musical choices for funerals. Instead you can choose music which is significant to the life of the person who has died. It may be best to choose a mixture of traditional and personal pieces, bearing in mind the different generations attending, but do not feel tied to what may be deemed ‘appropriate’. Music with its memories and associations will evoke strong emotional attachment to the person who has died and give time for you to reflect on your relationship with them.
Taking the Coffin to the Funeral
It used to be commonplace to process the coffin from home to the Church and there are still some funeral directors that can and will do. A procession places the funeral in its local community. Otherwise a black hearse is usual but they can be a formal and foreboding option. There is no reason why you can not use a different form of transport or drive a vehicle yourself but remember that the transport should be fitting to the positive character of the person who has died.
The Order of the Ceremony
An elegant ceremony sheet with a personal touch makes it a personal document, to illuminate the life of the person who has died, and as the basis of the Funeral service. You will organise the sequence of events from readings and poems to the eulogy, music and the committal as you wish them to happen. This will need to be planned with the person taking the funeral in advance so that the funeral arrangements and order of events are mutually agreed.
Giving a eulogy
If you are the next of kin to the person who has died, you may want to write all or part of the eulogy yourself but do not feel as though you have to say it at the service. It is usual to be delivered by someone who knows the person who has died, but is not so close that they are unable to speak because of emotion. Before starting to write a eulogy, consider the whole life of the person, their life history, personality, life highlights and challenges as well as your personal memories and feelings about them.
Committal Words
As the last goodbye to the person who has died it is best kept reasonably brief and formal and is a vital part of the letting go process. If you are writing the ceremony you can choose your own words or a poem or short song.
Lowering the Coffin for a Burial
Once the coffin is lowered, everyone can be invited to throw a handful of earth and or a keepsake or item of significance on top. If the earth is wet it might be practical to have a bucket of dry earth to hand. Sometimes, the gathering may wish to fill the grave completely or to add flowers and or petals.
Scattering Ashes
The number of people collecting ashes from the crematoria has more than quadrupled over the last thirty years. There are at least 200,000 private ceremonies of some sort conducted every year in the UK to dispose of these ashes. There do not appear to be any laws or regulations to stop you scattering ashes except that you should gain the permission of the owner of the land. You should not scatter them in a churchyard, from a harbour wall or pier without relevant permission but you do not need a license to scatter ashes at sea offshore.
<< Back to Resources
<< Back to MuchLoved home page